What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam(n).

What's the best thing about having pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on.

How much does it cost a pirate to have his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

Does everyone want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.

Two vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. A waitress comes over and one vampire says he will have a pint of blood, and the other says he'd like a pint of plasma. The waitress returns to the bartender and says, I need a pint of blood and a pint of blood light.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bub? None, they just follow it around for ten years until it burns out.

At the office they are giving away dead batteries... free of charge.

My cat is radioactive. He has 18 half lives.

A couple of bacteria go into a bar and ask for beers. The bar tender says "We don't serve bacteria here". The bacteria reply, "What do you mean? We work here. We are staff".

I understand protons have mass, but I didn't realize they were Catholic.

Q. Why did the guru refuse novacain when he had his tooth pulled?
A. He wanted to trancend dental medication.


What did the puppy say when he sat on sandpaper?  Ruff.


What did the Teddy Bear say when I offered him a cookie?  No thank you, Iíve stuffed


What did the elephant say to the naked man?  How do you breathe out of that thing?


What do you get when you throw a grenade into the bathroom of a French restaurant?

Lanoleum blown apart


What did the headline read when the midget fortune teller escaped from jail?

Small medium at large


My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 87 and I don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen Degeneres.


A man enters a psychiatrist office dressed in nothing but saran wrap from heat to foot. The pschiatrist looks at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts".


The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


Why don't skeletons go to scary movies?  They don't have the guts.